I've just been through a hard drive to delete stuff I don't need anymore. There are still a heap of photos I took during a time when I was struggling. I haven't deleted all of them yet, as they are connected to my writing (inspired by my experiences, trying to communicate what bipolar disorder with post-traumatic stress disorder, PTSD are like).
I find a photo diary to be helpful for my creative process. At times in my life, I will take a lot of photos, of things that other people ignore (or don't even notice). At the time, they had significance to me, of something I was processing (grief, trauma) or linked to themes of things felt inspired to create (also processing).
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I recently made the decision to move out of the family home and go flatting (for the first time in nearly 30 years). Other than that, since my divorce, I had lived in a hostel for a year (full of druggies and boozers). I made this decision after Mum decided to put the house on the market, after Dad died three months ago.
I moved nearly two weeks ago, to live with a young family. Coinciding with my move, I received an email from Accident Compensation Corporation (ACC) stating they would be making a lump sum payment for impairment for my mental injury of posttraumatic stress disorder, PTSD. Will try keep this short as I have a pile of stuff out on my bedroom floor (sorting) and there is an open home tomorrow.
After a three-year battle, I finally won against Accident Compensation Corporation (ACC) for a lump sum payment for my mental injury of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). I'm not going to go into detail in this post, as I haven't even read the doctor's report yet. Although it is satisfying that the doctor who assessed in my favour used to work for ACC. After seeing me on a 'good' day, at my 'best.' After years of therapy. I felt overwhelmed, burnout with low mood today. I didn't make it to work today after two weeks annual leave. I'm not going to detail here why I am so stressed (other than linked to my Dad dying recently).
I talked to a doctor today and she said she could issue me a medical certificate but that won't change the stressful circumstances linked to the bereavement. She suggested trying to get back into a routine, which includes my part-time job. I spent most of the day in hibernation, emerging for a walk in the evening. In this blog post, I would like to highlight aspects of my annual leave. I am currently sorting my minimal possessions, preparing to move, as the house (not my house) is on the market. I came across a printed copy of a blog post from a deleted blog from around 2008 (15 years ago). The blog was when my name was a pen name (now my legal name).
Only a few snippets of my writing survived. I wrote the blog post when I was diagnosed with 'treatment resistant' depression and generalised anxiety disorder (later changed to bipolar 1 disorder and post-traumatic stress disorder, PTSD).
My memoir, Bipolar Courage: Are You Sure You're Not Autistic? is FREE to download as ebook/kindle until 8 November 2023.
I've given away over 600 copies of three books with spending just US$10 per book total, separate campaigns. I'm currently doing a promotion and my book is am number one in three categories simultaneously for free ebooks. They are fairly small categories and rankings will drop after the promotion but hey. Can you tell there is a big orange blob in the sky of this painting? Yes, I accidently put orange in the sky but fixed it. The great thing about painting with acrylics is they are very forgiving and changes can be made. It's in the area of the cloud haze (which I added back in).
Going through journals to extract anything of use to my creative projects before burning the journals. Came across something I was amused at so sharing it here. Not many people know this story. I did the painting because I was upset about a situation and telling myself to blank it out (I'm the sunflower).
Just revisting some journal entries from five years ago, when I had my first solo art exhibition (which I pitched as an art as therapy exhibition). I'd set a 'ridiculous goal' of an exhibition when I was severely unwell and struggling. My main diagnoses are bipolar disorder and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). I still have permanent disabililty after treatment.
I did the painting below, More than Good Enough, during that exhibition. It expressed the mixed feelings of the exhibition process. I didn't put prices on the paintings, as I didn't want people to judge. One of the main reasons I did the exhibition is because I didn't feel good enough and that my art wasn't good enough (in fact, most of my art in the past ended up at the dump). Extract from my journal from over 5 years ago, when I was starting therapy for post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD):
"I won a positivity award at work…Seems ironic as feeling so negative internally about it. Might paint Snowball – a longhaired fluffy white cat…with purplish eyes…a book cover for Pet Purpose? What is her hope?" |
Xanthe Wyse('Zan-thee Wise'). Disclaimer: the author of this blog is not an expert by profession and her opinions should not be taken as expert advice.
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